Hey Its Me Agan
So this was supposed to be a twitter thread only the words became mob, considering, well, I yap a lot…plus I's promised myself I'd write more sooooo here we are. Deal with information technology.
Yesterday I was seated thinking and asked myself "What is my thing?" like what am I known for? And while I do have talent and dabble in a lot of things, I don't have that ka thing thing that'southward mine (y'all become yah?)
So my railroad train of thought started meandering and I started wondering why I don't take a thing. Similar what happened? Especially since society dictates that by a sure age (I turn 25 in December) I SHOULD be somewhere. Either nearing my goals or steadily on my style there (laughs out loud). Normally, such a idea, that I take null going on for me…would freak me out. Because people my historic period, even younger, are graduating from school, getting married, having kids, starting businesses, getting that job/promotion etc. Achieving a lot and reaching for the stars. And yet here I am a drop out with multiple talents but nix motivation, aggravated anxieties whose origins I am unaware of unable to afford therapy to aid with my traumas, simply growing fatty lol.
And so I realised that none of this bothers me. Not in the "I don't really care" kind of way and not to the extent it really should. In the back of my mind there'south a lilliputian vocalisation loudly whispering "you're so much better than this" and I know I am but over again enh…hey maybe that's why I have mad anxiety *ooooooouuuu breakthrough! Yey me!* And plenty of times I worry that time is running away from me, that the clock is ticking fast equally hell. I should have made something of myself, and a lot of people make it a indicate to remind me virtually it.
But I again realised that old me would be spiraling, spending hours overthinking. At that place were times I'd be on campus (around the time I dropped out) and I'd be having several breakdowns at a go because I was scared of not having a purpose. Because the railroad train whose journey I had so meticulously planned had derailed and was upwards in flames and I did non know how to proceed. Funny enough, in loftier schoolhouse, I rarely panicked considering I had a philosophy of "I've done as much equally I can exercise and then there's not much I can add". Somewhere along the way *coughing* campus trauma *cough* that part of me died and I found myself sinking deep into a very nighttime hole. Information technology was so bad on some days I wouldn't leave my room and had to think a friend to come sit with me as I went through the motions. Anxiety attacks have been a huge part of the final 3 years for me. More often than not because through feminism and a loooooooot of introspection, I realised how much trauma I had gone through and through that acknowledgement, my trunk and mind started to process.
Ok dorsum to my original point. I'g non scared. Why because despite that little vocalization in my caput, there's a bigger 1 congratulating me for waking up every day, showing upwards and facing all my demons and anxieties and triggers. This voice reminds me that I'm doing my best. To the rest of the world I'm wasting abroad just me as me, I know wassgoinon and I'm proud of myself for the little achievements I've made in the past 3 years. I've discovered a good number of talents I take, things I tin can do. But 1 of my biggest achievements is that I am alive. I am here and I am fighting because last year, I was set to end it simply I got another shot.
I outset school again (third times the charm, correct?) and I legitimately hate school and all its components. More so in the last few years considering my memory has but gotten worse and worse and my attention span is in the PITS. I tin't recall shit and can't concentrate for more than 30 minutes at a time; I express mirth at this fact because I used to be the smart and promising kid of the family unit (imagine!) I learnt that depression and trauma have something to practice with it. I also do not office well under pressure level. Yous know how people add together "works well under pressure" to their curriculum vitae? I don't; considering even the slightest inconvenience tin can cause major problems. So I'g very very scared of failing again but also I'm proud of myself for actually trying despite the fact that almost every other day I want to just requite up.
I have a lot going through my listen and a lot of the time. I'one thousand an over-thinker and no, it's not some beautiful quirky characteristic, information technology's terrifying at worst and overwhelming and distracting at best. And I especially detest it when I've created something, and I get questions from my people near when I'thou turning said inventiveness into a business. I get that people mean well but that pressure but makes me feel bad about myself and ups my anxiety about my life or my lack thereof. While nosotros do need that ka little push and nudge, sometimes we need to back off and let people breathe; you may be doing more harm than skilful (love y'all tho, and I appreciate your belief in me my loves and I hope I volition not let you down)
That being said, this, like all other blogs of mine, was simply a rambling. I had things to say/share. As well I want to let y'all know, if you're like me and have hit a snag, call back you can always pick yourself upwards. And if you're feeling demotivated and can't do shit, become back to sleep if yous can and endeavor once more tomorrow and the next day and the adjacent day and the 24-hour interval after that. If y'all simply woke up today and showered merely to go back to bed, congratulations. If you wrote the first discussion in that piece you lot've been holding, even if information technology'due south just the title, congratulations. If all you lot did was reply that one e-mail, congratulations. If all you lot've accomplished was getting a full 8 hours of sleep to furnish yourself, congratulations. If what y'all've done is eat your full square meals for the day, congratulations. If you started that degree, even if yous feel like yous started late; if yous started that business organisation but experience overwhelmed; if you lot left that relationship; if you simply made a list of things you want to go done, I want you to know,
"Yous'RE DOING AMAZING SWEETIE!"
And you are not alone. A lot of the states don't know what we're doing, and while it'southward seen as a weakness to show that you've failed/are declining or don't accept a clue what to exercise in this adulting thing, I want to be the ane person who reminds you that not everyone has everything figured out; shu I don't. and it's ok to say "Y'all know what? This isn't working for me. Let me first regroup and re-strategise." People around the states don't always make room for that choice and still I feel like the world would be so much amend off if the option to neglect and get-go again was given.
It'south ok to autumn down. As long as y'all get back up. No affair how long that takes, just keep trying. Don't stop fighting.
Ever remember, you are loved and you are doing your all-time Love.
Source: https://callmekarungi.wordpress.com/2020/09/23/hey-its-me-again/
0 Response to "Hey Its Me Agan"
Post a Comment